It's been a little over 6 months since you passed. There hasn't been a single day I haven't thought about you since then. And weirdly, I thought about you every day the two weeks prior to your disappearence and death. I didn't think much of it. I just figured I had started to appreciate you in a new way again. But my mind probably knew something was going to happen. This happens with everybody I care about. I know when something isn't right and I start obsessively thinking about them two weeks before something happens. But I didn't take it into consideration that you might be gone soon. I wish I did, but then again, it wouldn't have changed anything. Except maybe I would've told you how much you matter to me.
I was 10 and scared as hell about having a crush on another girl. I had only been crushing on boys so far but suddenly it was girls too. I was terrified, lived in denial and I even showed visible disgust about gay people. Especially bi-people and lesbians. Like ew? I could never. Except that I could but I wasn't okay with it. I started to think there was something wrong with me.
So many things made me feel okay about being bi but Glee was the show that made me feel good about myself for the first time in years. I felt like it was okay to be an outsider, a misfit or even gay. Glee changed the way I thought about myself and how I continued to live, but two specific people really made it happen. Chris Colfer and you, Naya. You made me feel like it was safe to be who I was and for the first time ever I didn't feel so scared about it. I even started dating a girl. That's when I started coming out to people close to me and I owe you so much for helping me through it.
Maybe it seems stupid to some, but the way you, Naya, made me feel about myself is... I have no other words to describe it. Just thank you.
The character of Santana Lopez and the way you pushed the storyline through made me appreciate you so much. I felt at home watching you on screen and off screen. I came out publicly and you made me feel safe. You were always there for me in spirit, even if not really there. I knew that you supported all of your fans. You made us feel okay again. You made me feel whole again.
A few times I believed what the journalists were writing about you and I am ashamed. I thought about you as a bad person for the longest time, but at some point I realized you're an angel walking the earth and there's no one else like you. The way you made your friends laugh, how you supported people and the way you raised Josey. There is no one like you Naya Rivera and I am eternally grateful to have walked on the same planet as you.
When I visited New York the first time, I basically went through as many Glee filming spots as possible and sat on the spots you had been sitting on as Santana. It was a silly hobby during the trip but it was a very important thing for me. I mean, it was my rolemodel who had been there and that was the closest I could get to you.
I have a feeling you liked one of my tweets on my old twitter account like a few years ago and I am mad as hell that I can't check it out anymore. I wanted to know if it was a fever dream or reality.
There's so many thoughts going through my mind today, on your birthday, and nothing in my head makes sense right now. The world needed more of you but you were taken away. Why? I don't believe in God really, but like you said: you trust He has a plan for you. I trust it too. I have to.
I have a picture of you with this quote on it: "no matter the year, circumstance or strifes, everyday you're alive is a blessing. Made the most of today and every day you are given. Tomorrow is not promised."
I have ever since tried to live up to that quote. I have ever since the day you passed, tried to live my life to the fullest. I have enjoyed the little things and made changes in my life. I will keep doing that 'til the day I die.
I hope that wherever you are, you are smiling, happy and peaceful. Your family will take care of Josey and I know he will grow up knowing he had the most fantastic mother in the whole universe.
Sorry if I messed up my words or if I don't make sense. This whole thing just doesn't make sense.
I love you Naya.
- Paula.
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